Unbreakable
I am unshakable, I am irreplaceable, I am representational, I am unbreakable.
This is the mantra that needs repeated, waking up every morning feeling my life’s been cheated. No pitter patter of little feet, no toys to put away. No meals that little mouths won't eat, no little bodies messing up my backseat.
The pain of where all of this came from. What did I do wrong? Why is God so mad at me, I'm really not this strong. Aren't women supposed to have children, thats what our bodies are for. When mine betrayed me it was a dark spiral, I never thought I'd get up off the floor.
The stares and sympathetic looks are killing me, I try to understand. For these things are taboo, they are not pregnancies and happy times, its misery through and through. Tears make others uncomfortable, their happiness makes my heart grieve, it's a double edge sword that's so difficult to believe.
Hospitals and clinics, needles, shots and pills. Appointments, restrictions, cold rooms at clinics in hospital gowns getting the chills. Waiting 2 weeks for calls to see if "it" worked, only to hear 'better luck next time', my body’s such a jerk. Thousands of dollars spent and I'd still spend more to have a smile on my face when I walk out that door.
Friends homes filling up, so easy for them. Their lives filled with sports, band and dance from their gems. I try to stay busy, keep my head down, and try not to drown. Its time for the mask, no one needs to see, I can smile, even if my heart disagrees. Weddings I will never host, grandkids I will never spoil, there are definitely days I'd rather find my bed and recoil.
As the days go on, the sun shines a little brighter, my heart feels a little lighter. I've come to understand that the word family is those around you, not a DNA strand. You determine how you find your peace. Just make sure to get that release.
Family is who you bring in, who you choose. You don't have to have children to have a full life, you don't need to bear children to be an excellent wife. I am unshakable, I am irreplaceable, I am representational, I am unbreakable.
