Struggling & Surviving

I struggle with struggling. I struggle with allowing myself to take the time for me. I struggle with owning and validate my feelings for what they are.  I struggle with saying, yes, this happened to me and it was hard and there are days that it is still hard to get out of bed. I struggle with looking at others and thinking…but this person is going through this or that person is struggling with that, and there are worse things in this world than what I struggled with and I should be over it by now.  While this may be my thought process, I am working on realizing that this is not healthy in my process of healing.  Validating what happened to me and to saying to myself others have their seasons of struggles, grief and sadness as well. While I can help them through those moments, I need to remember to take care of myself in the process.  

This is so important for those of us struggling with infertility or miscarriages.  Just because our babies or emptiness was/is not met by the world, because it was/is not grieved as deeply by others, does not mean that our ongoing grief is not worthy of recognition.   

I am currently reading an amazing book by Jacqueline Whitney called Beyond Worthy.  This book has been one of my go-to books in the last year and I strongly recommend it.  I am sure I will use her quotes frequently because they often resonate with me, but today, I went back to these two….

‘You must fall apart to heal your heart’  

And 

‘We choose Light

That’s what survivors of deep pain do to survive.

We choose Light instead.

This is why we can say we are survivors.

We choose Light even when every step to healing in front of 

us looks like it’s headed to hell.’

This afternoon I was reading through her book for the millionth time it seems, and this one really hit me…it is ok for me to continue to fall apart. It means my heart is healing. While doing so, I need to keep getting up and choosing that Light of moving forward. That Light of a brighter tomorrow. That Light of helping others through sharing my journey. As long as I continue to fall apart and choose that Light, even if it feels like some days the sadness is overwhelming as hell…I am surviving.