1 step forward, 3 steps back…
April 2017 ‘During my pregnancies and my miscarriages, I always went to one of our two hospitals in town. Ironically, my dad also died at that same hospital when I was in college. Unfortunately, the sadness associated with Hospital A, made me feel like I always had to go to Hospital B. It has nothing to do with the care I received while there, or the care my dad received while he was in there. Simply the trauma associated with walking through those doors.
This week, I attended a physical therapy appointment at a local office. The office is associated with the Hospital A. The PT I was working with pulled up my chart and started going through previous notes logged. I was not aware of what he was doing-his back was turned to me at the time and he was working on his computer. He stepped out of the room and while I was sitting there waiting, I glanced at the computer. Instantly I felt knocked to the ground and felt my heart drop. I felt like progress has been good. I have been able to go days without crying or thinking I am a complete failure….until that moment. What the PT left on his computer were the notes from the doctor in the emergency room the night of my first miscarriage. When his assistant came back in the room, I was sobbing and asked her to turn off the computer. She looked at it, looked at me and apologized profusely. I want to say this doctor was young, and male and that was why it did not phase him to leave it up there. On the other hand, the emotions that this brought back make me say regardless, he should have known better.’
January 2024-Once again had to visit the hospital this week-due to circumstances beyond my control, I once again found myself at Hospital A. The amount of care and concern they poured into my situation was overwhelming. It was overall an amazing experience, one I wish was not necessary, but impressive nonetheless. While I was impatiently waiting, I logged on to my virtual chart to view current test results. Immediately, I was reminded and thrown back to that PT appointment so many years ago. Except this time it was me pulling up the results and deciding if I wanted to open that Pandora’s Box and read them. I did, I opened it and I read them. Emotions once again flooded me. This time, something was different. I realized how far I have come. That I have tools in my tool belt from years of therapy that I never thought I would use. I found myself falling back on them without a flinch. I found myself remembering that time, allowing the sadness to come and I made peace with it. I know that while having children was my plan, the plan chosen for me is different. I heard once that sometimes everything we want falls apart so better things can fall into place. I have yet to figure out what that better thing is to fill my childless void, but I do have faith that one day I will understand. Until then, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will keep writing in here and sharing my experiences in hopes that they help someone else.
