Projects
As a community, we can become stronger. Talk about this more, support your wife, partner, family member, friend. I have heard so often I did not know what to do. Let’s fix that. Let’s not make it so uncomfortable.
You are more than your scars…
Scars are not only the ones we see. They are the ones that are on our hearts when we pick the pieces up off the floor and sew it back together, they are the ones that we have in our minds from the sadness that this causes, they are the ones that are so deep no one else can see them. But we are more than those scars. We are more than what happens to us. So often, I felt the empathetic and sympathetic looks of others. While their looks and kind touches were good intended, my wound would often reopen every time. It took a very long time for me to realize that I needed to find my own kind of bandage, find things that would help heal me. That meant making sure I had an unspoken signal on when l was ready to leave gatherings or declining an invite to an event all together. That meant taking more baths or more naps when I was feeling rundown. That meant I needed to watch a movie or read a book to escape my reality. All these things and more gave me time to pick up the pieces one at a time and glue, sew and stitch them back together to form what resembles what used to be my heart. I now have a different heart. It is not the same, nor will it ever be. But I did discover in the midst of all this trial and error…I am more than who I thought was a broken person. I am unbreakable. I am stronger than my scars. I am more than my scars and so are you.
How do I help? What Can I do?
I have been asked by multiple people who know my story how they can help others going through similar situations. One thing to keep in mind, everyone’s experience is uniquely theirs. What happened in my journey, is not going to be the same for the next person. Please keep in mind, these are my experiences and things that would have been helpful for me.
Try to resist saying ‘everything happens for a reason’. For me to hear this, made me feel that I had done something wrong. If there was a reason, what was it and what did I do to cause it. Even believing in a higher power, I tried to rack my brain trying to find a reason when there was not one.
Try to resist saying ‘it will happen when you least expect it’. I didn’t know what the future holds. While this is a nice sentiment, it is also not one that can be promised. Hearing stories of how others have had similar things happen; then had a baby when they least expected it. While this is encouraging, it wasn’t what I needed to hear at that moment.
Try to resist excluding or not sharing your good news with them. So often we found out through friends or through holiday cards that others either had babies and we had no idea they were even pregnant or were pregnant and were not wanting to tell us. Yes, this is a difficult pill to swallow, BUT it does not mean that I was not happy for their success! When I was already struggling with feeling alone, things like this made me feel even more secluded from the life I once had.
You CAN be there. You can listen, cry, be a support, and remember there is grief in miscarriage and infertility. With either one, it is a loss. A loss of a child, a planned future, a dream, a… You can bring a meal, a drink, a movie or some of your time. I loved when others asked what they could do. Sometimes, even I didn’t know and I know now that is ok too. It was important that others were ok with this, I didn’t need anyone to fix me-I wasn’t broken. When others tried to, I felt broken, like I caused this or I did something wrong.
If infertility or miscarriage is something you have had the unfortunate experience with, is there something that helped you? Please share with me and I will add them here.
Grief
Infertility and miscarriages affect spouses differently. For days after our first miscarriage, I sat in a chair in our living room. Crying at everything. Every bird I saw outside, every person who walked by, everything. I did not answer the phone, I did not take a shower. I literally sat in the chair. I was devastated. I was angry, I was sad, I was feeling every emotion possible. My husband on the other hand stayed with me the first day, and then had to get out of the house. He checked in on me often, made sure I was ok, but for him, his grief process was much different. While we were both sad, we were processing things completely different.
There is no right or wrong in grief. It is ok to work through things in your own time in your own way. Only you know what that is. Be patient with each other, support each other and lean on each other. It took me a long time to realize that our plan changed. I changed. He changed. We had changed. But that did not mean that we could not adjust to that change. It has not been easy. However, life, no matter what happens in it, is not easy. Everyone has their own distinctive challenges, some bigger than others.
Take care of yourself.