Realizations

So much has happened this month. I have been in a Holistic Pregnancy Loss Retreat while simultaneously receiving an email from someone who took some time to read through and digest my site. During the retreat, there were so many things that made me realize that my intentions were correct. That the reason I wanted to do this was so true, only I did not know how true…. I learned so much about how so many women-including me feel it is not appropriate in our society to truly grievance a child that was not born. To go through that process before we are asking when we can try again-anxious to have that baby in our arms. We do not include ourselves (nor does society) in the celebrations of Mother’s Day because there was not a baby to mourn nor is there one to celebrate us. That these suppressed emotions often end up manifesting as other physical illnesses in the body until they are dealt with later. That our lens is often one that is distinctly shaped by grief and our beliefs of loss. This can change how we perceive ourselves, our relationships and everything around us. It can also cause us to self sabotage into believing that it is going to happen again providing a stressful environment for a baby to grow in. This often can interfere in so many relationships. Helping a woman find meaning and purpose in who she is now, not why this happened. What her life will look like without that baby or without children if that is what she chooses. What postnatal and postpartum awareness look like-yes, even without a child. Recognizing triggers and what they do to our bodies, and how we can work through them. Understanding the trauma of miscarriages, the Big T’s and the Little T’s. How trauma untreated, can be transferred to future generations. In other words, ‘we need to feel safe to heal, but safety begins in our body first.’ This is why it is crucial that loss moms have someone who understands their situation and can offer them a space of understanding. Crucial that I continue down this path and become the best coach that I can be.

While in the midst of this, I received the most thoughtful email about my site. I have had so many folks reach out and tell me they love the site, that it will be helpful to others, that they have enjoyed reading it and they have found it useful themselves. All of this has been so rewarding to me to hear. The one thing this email had that those comments didn’t was that the email was from a parent who had lost a child themselves. The other unique thing is they are not the parent of a child lost through a miscarriage. I have never given myself permission to be in the same category as parents who lost physical children. I have always minimized my own personal experience, while grieving in silence. They put me at their table. They treated me like any other loss parent and to me, that resonated all new emotions that I have never experienced before. Not having to define the way, age or details of the loss of my child is something I have never thought of when someone says do you have children, my answer is always just no, rather than I am an angel mom. I may need to rethink my answer to that question moving forward….

Until then, I am taking time to listen to my body. Taking the time to redefine myself figuring out my new purpose and what that looks like for me. What I do with all the road blocks when they are being placed in front of me when I am not feeling enough. Those are the days that I need to remember, those are the devils storms. He is hoping I will retreat and go in looking for shelter. I have chosen to stand in that rain and yell at the top of my voice, will all the supports I have, I AM THE STORM, I AM BIGGER, AND I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!